Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
This has made my week.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample