Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You Might Also Like
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.