Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.