1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.