Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Tastes like chicken.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement