what does he know…
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This is a whole mood;
Our lord and savoury.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
She puts the hot in psychotic
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.