I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
notice
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.