Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”