Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever