Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Love is always patient and kind.