Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
You Might Also Like
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
my proudest tweet
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”