Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive