Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
What do you hear?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Siri, fight Alexa.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
No Google it does not
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.