[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
lmfao
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*pokes sex life with a stick
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.