There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car