Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Never forget.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
choose your fighter
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Just so funny
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
yeah 😭
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch