[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse