I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Only short people can save us
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”