[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
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Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.