What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?