They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
…żyje?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*