No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
nature’s most graceful animal
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*puts cutlery down*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.