Oh yeah that’s it
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.