God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.