I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My kitchen overserved me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.