Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
how was your vacation
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.