We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*