i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea