“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”