[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound