Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Proctology is located in A55
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?