For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.