Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
life finds a way
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”