cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.