My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*