I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.