If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m not stressed
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“you recording!?”
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?