is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!