Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
This anagram machine is out of order.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?