in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
you will never know the true number of layers
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.