FINE, I WON’T.
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.