*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.