Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums