The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong