Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*