Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.