[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
You Might Also Like
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I鈥檓 gonna need more options.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That鈥檒l teach them to get my order wrong.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can鈥檛 quite believe they are outdoors and can鈥檛 fathom how they鈥檝e gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
There鈥檚 a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who鈥檇 had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can鈥檛 wait for my family鈥檚 turn.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Dead sexy!!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don鈥檛 need extravagant gifts for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: You鈥檙e SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife