The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.