Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
OH. COME. ON.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Every haunted house movie:
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
What flavor cupcake are these
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .