Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.